Lost in My Mind

Last night I found myself listening to a few songs from Rory's website, and this morning I found myself doing the same thing; listening to "Good For Each Other" and "Believe." Listening to familiar songs from the past week puts me in a place where I am completely lost in my thoughts. I keep thinking about the things I saw and felt during my stay in Manali. It seems unreal to me that I am laying here in my bed in America doing some of the same things I did before, but not feeling the same at all. It's like I'm looking through an un-focused camera lens, and I feel as if I am not fully here yet. It's weird, you know? How can things be so different? I miss Manali very much... and I do not want to forget the people I fell in love with or the places I felt so close to during my stay there. I can't let myself become detached to where I am now, but what I can do is take the lessons I learned in North India, and tell others about what I experienced. Does that sound like too much? Maybe. Maybe most of you reading this think what happened in North India was just some "mountain top" mission experience. If so, please continue to read this, because I strongly disagree!


I saw pain and oppression in the midst of the beauty I came across in North India. I feel changed and led by God towards a new path; a path that I have no idea where it will take me, but I'm fine with that. If I knew where I was going, life wouldn't be as exciting or interesting. It would get old fast, so it's kind of nice not knowing what will happen to me or what I will come to grips with today, tomorrow, or the next day. That's how I felt in India. I had no idea what I'd run into after leaving my bedroom. For example, one morning I decided to take a walk around our little apartment and ran into a lady who was working at the local hospital not even a minute from where we were standing. Her name is Sarah, and she was rudely awoken by her adorable new puppy an hour prior to our meeting. So, we dove into a conversation about how cute and frustrating puppies can be. This led to us talking for over an hour about whatever we could think of. I made a new friend just by taking a stroll outside my bedroom around 7 in the morning. I learned even more about the context of the culture just by having a conversation with Sarah about her life. Annnd it was so much fun playing with her little puppy, we chased him all over the place! :) haha. I miss it.


Manali is so different from the small town I live in. I know this is a very obvious thing to point out, but I'm floored by the hospitality and culture I experienced. Individualism isn't so glorified as it is to live in community with each other and give credit to others rather than yourself. Not only that, but the friendships I made with some of the girls in Manali really tugged at my heart, and continue to do so while I am away from them. I have moved a good number of times in my life, sometimes after a year, sometimes after two years. The friendships I made during those short periods of time were friendships that were easy to let go of and move on from. I would detach myself almost immediately after discovering when our next move would be. They were still meaningful, and I do not regret moving, but I sometimes feel like I missed out on a more meaningful and personal relationship. Like having that best friend who knows your heart and constantly creates inside jokes with you that no one else gets. I do have this with my amazing (and beautiful) sister, Megan, but I wanted to be comfortable like this with someone else, I just don't feel like I have. During our first couple of days in Manali, I felt close and super attached to some of the girls I met through our DNOW weekend. They made me feel at home and like I could comfortably be myself in front of them. This meant so much to me, and it helped me see myself more inwardly. I came face to face with some of the insecurities I have developed that have created barriers between myself and other people. This floored me! I felt like God was showing me it's okay to let my guard down and just relax.

Being a pastor's daughter, I constantly feel eyes watching me from all directions, like people are just waiting for me to mess up. I also have become very aware of the guards other people put up in front of me when they learn that I'm a PK. In Manali, I was just me! They didn't know much about my family till I shared with them a few things about my life, but it didn't change the way they treated me. I laughed, cried and had the time of my life with an admirable and amazing group of girls. If they are reading this, they know who they are!! and I want them to know just how much I miss them. C. Ma'am also helped me come to grips with a few things I've found conflicting within myself. God spoke through her to tell me that I needed to have more courage in who God is and who He is making me to be. I needed to be bold and have confidence in this, and immerse myself in the truth of who God is, what He wants to speak through me and what I should be telling the people around me. Thank you if you are reading this (thank you even if you don't read this! haha) It really meant a lot to me and helped me. I was a roller coaster of emotions last week! I feel like God really broke me in the best way possible while I was in North India with you guys. It was awesome. You guys are awesome. =]

I was going to begin where my story left off and tell you guys about my first day in Manali, but it seems like I let myself go off on a tangent, so I am going to leave this post as it is. These are a few of my reflections from this morning that I felt from the past week, so you get to take a look inwardly at what I've been experiencing the past week or so. I will tell you about my first day in Manali after some chores, responsibilities and festivities. Till next time, have a happy 4th of July. :)