Remind Me Who I Am

When you're stuck in a car for six hours with your family, anything can happen. For instance, ducking your head behind the passenger's seat of your family's chevy impala as your father continuously honks the horn from start to finish through a super-long tunnel, through a mountain, jam packed with cars. But what really stuck out to me was the conversation we had right after our stop at a dairy queen about 3 hours away from home. :)  What we talked about led me to Jason Gray's song, "Remind Me Who I Am." It started with a discussion about the courses we planned on taking during our fall semester, and then about our futures, and how I should NOT take philosophy or I will die! Overstatement, but one thing led to another, and I became confronted with yet another thing I find conflicting within myself! This keeps happening to me. I guess this is something that should happen to me daily, and I keep praying for humility, so God continues to show me different things I need to come to terms with. I know this is a very ambiguous statement, since I am not telling you exactly what we talked about, but I'm going to leave it for now. Instead, I posted a song that came up on my pandora (like listening to the radio, just by your own preferences) almost right after we had our conversation, and it fit perfectly! Weird. 


Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray


When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is-


Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You
To You <3


When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it?


Okay, I tricked you. I'll elaborate, because I do not like being too vague! Slight warning before you continue reading- when I elaborate... I do not believe in short cuts and my explanations can get pretty long. Okay, read on:


In the lyrics when he talks about forgetting his name and asks God to remind him of who he is, that's where I've been lately. I've been a little unsure of myself and unknowingly I've been trying to better myself because I'm not satisfied with who I am. This slapped me flat-out, square in the face today. When my dad was warning me about philosophy at the random dairy queen we went to, I felt offended. Now, philosophy is a difficult class, and it would honestly make more sense for me to take theology, but I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking, Wait, so does he think I'm not smart enough to take philosophy? So I voiced my thoughts and then other things came up... and my insecurity was flung right out in the open. I joke around a lot, and sometimes I let myself become perceived as a "blonde" because I like making people laugh and there's the whole kid-like-personality-thing. I feel like people sometimes look down on me or they underestimate me because of that, but at the same time, my personality isn't the brooding, deep type.


Lately, I've been trying to become something I'm not (I guess the brooding, deep type? maybe...? that sounds so weird!) It's not that I'm not smart, it's just that there are some things I thrive in and some things I don't. Philosophy is on the list of don'ts (I laughed just now because my typo-thing on my computer attempted to change "don'ts" to "donut"). And when I try something new, I dive head first into it. Like... buying Crime and Punishment AND a book of 400 different sets of poetry. I really do want to read these books. I've always enjoyed literature, and I think I'm going to become an english teacher (grades 6th-12th), but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that one of the reasons I bought these books was to feel more valued, recognized and appreciated. Maybe to be accepted by others? I guess so. Now, don't get me wrong, it's good to broaden your horizons, try new things and read a good book, but it IS wrong for you to try to find your own value through these things.


Today, I have learned that my motives have been a bit out of place recently, and I can't find my value in some book (yes, even the self-help books that line countless book shelves in Barnes & Nobles! ha ha). So! Now I will continue to read the books I've bought, and change a few of my courses around, because it will be more beneficial. I didn't mean for my motives to turn out the way they did, but I'm glad we stopped at Dairy Queen and talked. I am going to continue to pray for humility, because I'm curious. I wonder what I'll learn tomorrow. :) Hmm. This also reminded me of what C. Ma'am said about having courage. I think the book I need to read the most right now is the Bible. Maybe that's where I've really gone wrong. I've tried going to all of these other books instead. Hmm. This has been a really good day (and night, so far) I'll leave it at that. 


Now, I know I've posted twice today and said good night in my last post, but this time I mean it! It's 1 in the morning here. Good night!! Or Good morning! :)